When I look at myself, I see a woman, a mother, a daughter, a sister, someone who used to be a wife. I feel failure and disappointment and I let it wash over me. I stop looking at myself. The things that I do and the people I am to others has defined who I am to myself. There is hate in that for me. I have grown into this person who clearly has issues with self-esteem. Being this person has brought on anxiety and depression. It is time to break this cycle and be free.
Looking up is the first step in re-building a brokenness.
I have said it before that I went to church at least three times a week when I was younger. There was involvement in youth group, church services, and the worship teams. I loved to play guitar and sing to the Lord. My way was lost when I married and it took me years to come back. To finally look up. Time has passed and it is so clear to me that I have to let go of the persons that I allowed myself to be defined as. Yes, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister. But, those things are not who I am. I am Amanda. God made me beautifully and wonderfully and his gift is so much more than the people I put my worth into being. If it wasn’t, the anxiety and depression would take over because I have failed at being those things to the this world so many times.
Stepping up and putting myself out there is step two.
Up until the time I was about 24 years of age, I would pick up a guitar at least once a day and sing. I would sing worship songs, secular songs that made me remember moments of happiness, and songs that I wrote. Since my 24th year, I have picked up a guitar maybe once a month, if even. Singing in front of people has not happened outside of my children’s rooms, the shower, or the seat of a church. Today, I am going to share with you a video of me singing a song that I wrote. There will be more to come but, this is the first. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.