70 Funny Anytime Jokes

There is an art in telling a joke. The punch line needs to be said at the exact right time. Lets face it, some people are good at it and others are not. With this list of 70 funny anytime jokes, everyone is guaranteed to get a laugh. Lets get started with the telling of 70 funny anytime jokes.

The First 15:

1. Why did the policeman smell? He was on duty.
2. Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.
3. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven-ate-nine.
4. Did you hear about the duck that was arrested for dealing? He was selling “quack”.
5. What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
6. What kind of bees make milk, instead of honey? Boobies.
7. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice.
8. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Alex. Alex who? Alex the questions around here.
9. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked. That’s why I am knocking.
10. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and quackers.
11. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
12. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine.
13. What is the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.
14. Did you hear about the girl who sat on the clock? She wanted to be on time.
15. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Next 15:

1. I don’t trust the trees. They seem kind of shady.
2. What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel.
3. What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
4. How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
5. I think I want to get a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it.
6. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
7. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running away from the ball.
8. How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
10. What do you call a reptilian detective? An investi-gator.
11. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
12. What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.
13. What does the gingerbread man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets.
14. What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
15. What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.

More jokes:

1. Our wedding was so beautiful because even the cake was in tiers.
2. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de brie.
3. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
4. What do you call a kid that doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a clause.
5. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They are all into the wrapping.
6. What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has no-el.
7. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes or ice crispies.
8. Where does frosty the snowman keep his money? In a snowbank.
9. Why did they let the turkey in the band? Because he had the drumsticks.
10. What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
11. What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultry Geist.
12. What is green and can sing? Elvis parsley.
13. How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down.
14. What has five toes and is not your foot? My foot.
15. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino.

They just keep going:

1. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
2. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
3. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
4. What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
5. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
6. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
7. The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “get down” anymore when the president is about to get attacked.  Now they have to yell, “Donald, Duck.”
8. When I am feeling down, my friend always says, “cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”  I know he means well.
9. If you see a robbery at an apple store, does that make you an iwitness?
10. You’re American when you go into the bathroom and you are American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you are in there?  European.
11. What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeno face.
12. Did you hear about the guy who invested in lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
13. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a boogie in it.
14. I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
15. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

Last 10 Jokes:

1. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.
2. My uncle named the dogs rolex and timex. They are his watch dogs.
3. I’d like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
4. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
5. What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.
6. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
7. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
8. I am terrified of elevators. I am going to take steps to avoid them.
9. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because he was a cheetah.
10. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

conclusion

My hope is that these 70 funny anytime jokes made you laugh, until you were crying; after all, laughter is the best medicine. It heals the heart, builds better relationships and courses through the family as the tie that binds. It is entertaining and can be enjoyed while having wine with friends. So, take these jokes and share them with your friends and loved ones.